FEATURES/INTERVIEWS: Lunch between Damilola Adegbite and alpha mums

Delectable actress, Mother, Model and Television Personality, Damilola Adegbite who is turning 34 come May 18^th   treated a few single mothers to a lunch date last Saturday at Marcopolo Restaurant in Lagos.

Defying all negativities and stigmatization attached to the single mum appellation that she prefers to label the alpha mums, Adedamee going by her handle on Instagram, discussed about the troubles, pains, challenges and trauma associated with the situation life has unexpectedly thrown at them.

Single mothers being women with a child (ren) as a result of having kids out of wedlock, women who had kids in marriage but divorced, so also widows with kids are often left to sulk their pains with neither any shoulder to cry on, nor support groups that offers guidelines on how to wade through life challenges, hence one of the essence of mini gathering for the ladies, like this one.

The lunch date saw the participating women telling it all on how they had been keeping their heads up high, in spite of the societal beliefs towards them. It is believed that only a woman that is insolent would divorce a man hence become a single mother, or that a hoe is she who has premarital sex let alone birthing life out of wedlock. It’s sad how the society prefers females opting for abortion which is murderous but appear saintly than keeping the pregnancy and damning all consequences.

Discussing over meals, alpha mums who were divorced narrated their ordeal when they were married; they have had to endure violence, physical and verbal abuse alike. A mum even said her ex once flogged her silly in the presence of her two sons, both of whom were teenagers even after they had divorced. She had to flee the same city that played host to her and her ex-husband to regain her sanity, and avoid bumping into him and subsequently being messed up. The Nigerian law enforcement not swift in attending to cases like this, this alpha mum said she once reported her ex to the police, they joked about it and asked her to go and settle with the man that paid her bride price, such an archaic African Mentality.

 Another woman informed about how she had to proceed with the wedding rites, despite being physically attacked by her fiancé few days prior. And into matrimony, the bashings continued until she couldn’t bear it anymore and had to flee, this time with a son. Another maintained that she fell out with her baby father when her daughter was a month old because of battery, both were unmarried. And even as he tried to contact after two years via a phone call, he was so utterly unruly raining curses in the process, then it dawned on her that she was better off staying farther away.

A mum in her mid twenties however had her daughter as a teenager when she was fresh from High School, maintaining that she had to endure boos from people, even from her own siblings and felt lonely at that time especially that her mum was late. Ironically though, her father stood solidly behind her to help with training the child while she goes back to further her studies. On the other hand another alpha mum said she once considered giving up her child for temporary adoption, when she couldn’t afford to keep living with the child.

And even though Adedamee in her own story maintained that her marriage ‘ish’ was never a case of violence, but borne out of incompatibility and she believes it as the will of God. Reiterating that her baby father is no doubt a wonderful guy, especially to his son.

 Alpha mums by Dammy hopes to create a platform for single mums to relate, share experiences and even life changing advices with one another. To address issues of baby fathers not showing child support, especially with the weak legal laws in a country like ours.

Looking all glamorous and peng in a short black and white striped gown, her skin glowing into the evening, Damilola bonded so well with the alpha mums like they’ve known for ages. She further admonished them to move on despite being hurt, never to stay depressed even in the face of all the hate in the society. It’ll be best if they strive to be a better version of who they had always been, building a strong brand/name in the process. Citing her grandfather as a worthy example, he was a renowned clergy in Baptist who left a legacy that still opens doors for her as a daughter of Adegbite. She claimed to once marvel at that and have chosen to live life devoid of being ungodly, worthy of note for her generation yet unborn.

At the table, an alpha mum informed that some Churches do not grant weddings to women divorcees, or other women in the single mother categories in their auditorium, only widows were exempted. Other churches allows it but offers quite incredible wedding gown colors to be worn as against the accepted cream, instead pink, purple or even black.

“Black is the new purity” Dammy jokingly waived it “it shouldn’t be taken that seriously”

She concluded.

And on a lighter note, if only all girls had their first pregnancies, those still slaying at age 35 would have been grannies by now.

The day didn’t come to an end without someone raising the issue of Tonto Dikeh’s interview that shook the internet these few weeks. Dammy maintained that what Tonto is presently going through is a phase for all single mums regardless, just that people chose to hurt differently. In her words;

“What I want us to know is that, we aren’t in same situations as single mothers. Some baby daddies are mean, dangerous even and selfish. Others may not be bad, just not so good for us, maybe suitable for some other women. So it is very difficult to judge appropriately despite being a single mother too” She opined.

“And if there’s anything that Tonto needs right now, it is prayer. We should be human enough to pray for her that God sees her through this phase than to judge her. Not when she has especially admitted to be hurt.”

In furtherance she also reiterated;

“And to the society at large, you do not throw the baby away with the bath water. Given an opportunity to draw back the hands of time, nobody prays to end up a single mother. No sane woman goes into a marriage hoping to divorce later. Therefore, friends, families and the society alike needs to re-think on the segregation and constant bashing on single mothers, treated worse off than murderers. They have feelings too, matter of fact, hurt women that deserves to be loved as well. There are alpha mums that had gone into recluse and even depression, this being  the reason why many unmarried ladies would rather do countless number of abortions, than carry babies to full term so as not to be labeled a single mum. In the same vein, some women kept suffering from violence and other incompatibility issues in marriage just because they are scared of opting out owing to what the society would say about them if they became a single mother.”

Personally I’ll add these to it that;

A divorced and healthy daughter is better than a dead daughter, a word to families, friends and folks. And as there are single mothers, so are single fathers but the society isn’t hammering on the latter owing to the patriarchal society that we are in.

Lunch was over and as we took pictures, I asked her if she isn’t missing out on buying roadside boli (roasted plantain) as a celebrity and she snapped;

“See you! you don’t know me o, me that would park by the road, buy my boli and then drive off”

            

You all should look forward to what she has up her sleeves for subsequent alpha mum meetings.